Collaborative Problem Solving

So often, when we get really upset with our children, the first thing we want to do is solve the problem. Tell them what needs to happen. Take control. Sometimes even become a bit dictatorial!

In those times of frustration or anger, our rational thinking tends to take a back seat to our emotions. We forget what might be happening in our children's internal (and sometimes external) lives. We rush ahead instead of taking the time to help guide our children.

Yet our children look to us for assistance and support. When our children are struggling, they need us to show compassion, patience, and empathy.

Changing Our Perspective

Dr. Ross Greene, a clinical psychologist and author of Raising Human Beings, among other publications, makes an impassioned plea on his website, Lives in the Balance, asking adults to recast how we think about challenging behavior. When children are behaving in challenging ways, Dr. Greene explains, it is "because they're lacking the skills not to be challenging. If they had the skills, they wouldn't be challenging.”

Dr. Greene also emphasizes two vital themes to better support our children. "Kids do well if they can," he states, and, "Doing well is always preferable to not doing well.”

If we wholeheartedly embrace the fact that our children want to do well if they can, we can take what Dr. Greene calls a “dramatic departure from the view of challenging kids as attention-seeking, manipulative, coercive, limit-testing, and poorly motivated. It’s a completely different set of lenses, supported by research in the neurosciences over the past 30 to 40 years, and it has dramatic implications for how caregivers go about helping such kids.”

How can we help?

It's worth noting that all children at some point demonstrate challenging behaviors. So how do we, as adults and caregivers, help children with these challenges?

The first step is to think about what difficulty a child is facing. The challenging behavior arises because of a difficulty. Listing specific difficulties helps us shift our thinking away from the behaviors that can cause us frustration.

Next, at a time when the behavior isn’t happening, we can find a time to connect and make sure it's a good time to talk. At that point, we can state what we've observed: "I've noticed it's been difficult for you to finish breakfast before we need to leave for school.”

The Empathy Step

Then (and this is key) we ask, “What’s up?” or “What’s going on?” 

This statement of a non-judgmental observation, and then an invitation to share, initiates what Dr. Greene calls the Empathy Step. The Empathy Step is an information-gathering process in which we really try to understand the child's perspective and experience. We listen without reacting and ask questions or reflect back answers in order to peel back the layers of what is really going on for the child in those moments of challenge.

During this time of reflective listening and questioning, it's essential that our child is heard, really heard. All too often, we try to jump in too quickly with advice or solutions, without giving enough time and space for our young person to share valuable perspectives and insights. Just this process of listening can be incredibly healing. If a child isn't used to us really listening, or we aren't used to asking questions rather than offering solutions, check out this cheat sheet for how to get to the heart of the matter.

Assuming our child has been able to share what's really going on in those moments of challenge, we summarize what is distressing to them and share our own concern. For example, "I understand, and my concern is that I feel stressed and anxious when we are rushing to get out the door in the morning." We then invite our child to work together with us to find a solution that can meet everyone's needs.

Being Heard and Validated

When using this process with children, it’s often the case that we sometimes don’t even get to the last steps of stating a concern and initiating a collaborative problem-solving process. Sometimes it makes sense to listen to what our child has to share about what is going on and then let that really settle. Sometimes just the process of being heard is significant enough for shifts to occur for our child, as being heard helps them feel validated.

In those moments of frustration or upset, let's try to slow ourselves down and remember that the child in front of us wants to do well. Our job can be to listen and empathize. And in doing so, we can support that young person in solving problems, learning new skills, and becoming a more whole human being.

Please schedule a tour to come visit our school and see how collaborative problem-solving works with children. We’ve found that it can also be helpful in our interactions with adults, too!

The Absorbent Mind

Unlike other species that are born with a predetermined set of behaviors, human babies are born with a set of potentials. When a child is born, we have no idea if they will be a master musician or a creative chef. It’s pretty amazing when we think about it! Children are constantly creating the skills they need to become contributing adults.

Dr. Maria Montessori observed children from a scientific lens and over time she concluded that this kind of creative work could only happen with a mind that was different from the conscious adult mind. She realized that children’s minds operate in a fundamentally different way. In The Absorbent Mind, Dr. Montessori states:

“The child has other powers than ours, and the creation he achieves is no small one; it is everything. Not only does he create his language, but he shapes the organs that enable him to frame the words. He has to make the physical basis of every moment, all the elements of our intellect, everything the human being is blessed with. This wonderful work is not the product of conscious intention.”

Well before brain scans, Dr. Montessori discovered so much about how children’s brains function and she termed this special mental functioning, the absorbent mind. Her book, The Absorbent Mind, was one of the last books she compiled.

The words Dr. Montessori used to describe the child’s absorbent mind were chosen deliberately. The word absorbent implies “taking in” and integrating into the whole. What is absorbed becomes a part of what is doing the absorbing. Children take in their experiences and impressions which become part of the structure and content of their brains. 

“Impressions do not merely enter his mind; they form it. They incarnate themselves in him. The child creates his own ‘mental muscles,’ using for this what he finds in the world about him. We have named this type of mentality, The Absorbent Mind.”

The absorbent mind is a superpower of children from birth to around age six.

Because children under six are absorbing everything in their environment, our actions need to reflect what we expect. If we want children to sit at the table to eat, we need to sit at the table to eat. If we want children to talk with quiet, calm voices, we need to talk with quiet, calm voices. If we want children to carry one item at a time, using both hands, we need to do so, too. The key is to model this behavior at all times. Children are absorbing indiscriminately. We may not think they are looking, but they are taking it all in!

We can share an example of this from a Montessori classroom. Once upon a time, a tall toddler teacher would always squat down in front of the low shelves to select a material to show a child. After squatting down, she would pick up the item she wanted to show. Although all the toddlers were at the right height to easily take the item, the teacher noticed that they would walk to a shelf, squat down, and then pick up the material. Even though this movement was much more difficult for the toddlers, they had unconsciously absorbed the steps the teacher had demonstrated: walk to the shelf, squat down, and pick up what you want. 

So in our Montessori environments, we are very careful with how we move and what we do. When the adults want a snack, we follow the same procedure as the children. We wash our hands, use a plate, and sit at the snack table. Doing what we expect the children to do also gives us a wonderful opportunity to see how the process can be improved. By having snack and cleaning up after ourselves, we can experience the process. Are the dustpans easy to access and in a place that makes sense? Do the spray bottles work well for spraying and wiping the table? What parts of the process feel cumbersome? What flows well?

We can also look at our school and home environments from our children’s perspective. Sometimes it helps to even kneel or sit on the floor and look at a room from a child’s height. What do they see? What stands out from their vantage point? Is the space welcoming and beautiful? What attracts attention? 

Our young children’s brains are hardwired to effortlessly absorb what is around them. Because our children are full of potential, we want to provide them with the best! Let’s start by taking a look at ourselves and our children’s surroundings. As we think about our children’s absorbent minds, we can work to provide them with clear, consistent images as we move through our days. 

If you would like to learn more, please schedule a tour. We love to share how we support children as they are discovering what is possible!

Moving Away from How Was Your Day?

When we pick up our children from school, it can be so tempting to ask, “How was your day?” Often the responses are pretty lackluster. 

As adults, we can likely relate. If a partner or friend asks about our day, our responses may be along the lines of fine, good, tiring, okay. Sometimes we just don’t feel like rehashing the day! 

For children, there can also be an element of not always having the language to explain what they did or experienced. In Montessori environments, this can be even more challenging. How can a young child describe the sensorial experience of carrying each block of the pink tower to a rug and creating a geometric tower of cubes based on the decimal system? Or convey their emerging conversation with a friend during community lunch? Or relate their delight in discovering that ten 10s create a hundred square?

As children get a little older, they are also starting to grapple with figuring out their relationships with peers, which involves so many social nuances. Younger elementary-aged children are still seeing these relationships in black and white. So their descriptions of the day may be pretty two-dimensional: someone was mean or nice, the day was good or bad (usually based on an interaction with a friend), etc.

It can be hard for children to talk about their experiences at school. However, if we shift our approach, we can often get more insight into our children’s experiences.

Ideally, we focus on connection first. When we see our children at the end of the school day, we can greet them in a way that conveys how happy we are to see them. They may be tired, need to fall apart a little, have a snack, or just have a little time for rejuvenation. Allow a little loving space. Each child has a different way they feel fueled, loved, seen, and held. That first moment isn’t an ideal time to ask about the day because our children are transitioning into being back in our care. Plus, there is a lot going on during that transition!

Later, when our children have settled into being with us or at home, and hopefully have had a snack or a little time to decompress, we have a chance to connect about the day. However, a word of caution: questions like, “How was your day?” or “What did you do today?” are so open-ended, they can also feel overwhelming to children. 

Instead, when we focus on starting a conversation rather than digging for information, our children are more likely to open up. They also need to feel that we are completely present for their responses, which means putting down our phones, not focusing on getting everyone into or out of the car, or not being involved in something like preparing dinner. It helps when we can show with our body language that we are really listening.

In those times when you are ready to explore a conversation, we recommend trying some other kinds of questions. Here are 40 of our favorites. The first five work best for younger children.

1. What made you feel happy today?

2. Who did you play with today? What did you do together?

3. Who did you sit with at snack/lunch today?

4. What made you feel sad today?

5. What was your favorite activity today?

6. Did everyone have someone to play with today? Who played together?

7. Who brought the best food in their lunch today? What was it?

8. What was your favorite thing in your lunch box?

9. What games did you play at recess?

10. What is the most popular activity at recess? Is it something you like to do? Why or why not?

11. Did someone get in trouble at school today? What did they do?

12. What did you notice today that other people probably didn’t see or pay attention to?

13. What is something you did today that you’d love to do every day?

14. How did someone fill your bucket today? Whose bucket did you fill?

15. What made you feel worried today?

16. What made your teacher smile? Did anything make your teacher frown?

17. What were you grateful for today?

18. If one of your classmates could be the teacher for a day, who would you want it to be? Why?

19. What is your class or teacher’s most important rule?

20. Who do you want to make friends with but haven’t yet? Why?

21. What did you learn about a friend today?

22. If aliens came to school and beamed up three kids, who do you wish they would take? Why?

23. What did you do today that was helpful?

24. When did you feel most proud of yourself today?

25. What rule was the hardest to follow today?

26. Which person in your class is your exact opposite?

27. Who is the friendliest person in your class? What do they do to be friendly?

28. What did you do today that was creative?

29. Did your teacher read to the class today? If so, what was the story or book about?

30. What was the high point of your day? What was the low point?

31. Was anyone in your class absent today? Do you know why they weren’t there?

32. What is something you heard that surprised you?

33. What is something that challenged you?

34. What is something that you were super good at today?

35. What compliments did you get (or give) today?

36. How were you brave today?

37. If you could change one thing about your day, what would it be?

38. How was your day different than yesterday?

39. What superpower would have come in handy today?

40. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

After a snack, over dinner, on an afternoon walk, or before bed, try starting conversations with these kinds of questions. Notice that most of them can’t be answered with one word. 

In addition, we can also provide our own responses, which provides a model for our children and gives them some scaffolding as they are thinking about how to answer. For example, “At lunch today I sat with someone who just started working with me. We talked a lot about going hiking and I shared some of my favorite hikes.” Or “When I was about your age, we loved playing capture the flag. One of my favorite memories of this game was when…” Sharing parts of our day or some of our own school memories not only shows that we are interested in conversation, but it also gives our children a guide for how to begin.

Let us know how it goes to first connect and later start conversations with open-ended questions. If you have any conversation starters that you and your children especially love, please share them! You can also download this printable of our favorite 40 questions to keep handy for those opportune moments.

Support Young Lunch Packers!

At the start of this new school year, we’ve been thinking about how to offer ideas for integrating Montessori learning at home. With this in mind, we'd like to present you with a family challenge. You can think of this challenge as your homework. Even though we don’t really assign homework in Montessori, we do like to collaborate to help children develop their skills and confidence!

Children in Montessori settings do a lot of food preparation. Food preparation is a big part of their practical life experience at school and a big part of becoming functionally independent in the world. So, our challenge is this: Rather than taking on the sole responsibility of preparing lunches for our children, let's make a commitment to move toward helping our children become their own lunch packers!

Seems Daunting?

Maybe you already have a quick and easy routine for packing lunches. Or maybe it feels a little bit like a drag you stumble through every day. Regardless, preparing lunch is a part of our daily lives. Many of us try to fine-tune lunch packing to make it as efficient and painless as possible. The thought of including our children in that process may at first seem completely overwhelming and impossible. 

We recognize the challenge may feel uncomfortable, but bear with us! Not only does helping our children learn how to pack their own lunches help prepare them for important life skills, it also supports their Montessori experience in a pretty significant way. Plus, all too often we see children open up their lunch at school and complain that the food is something they don’t like or want. The side benefit of having children be part of the process is that they have some responsibility and accountability for what they bring. If it's food they helped choose, prepare, and/or pack, they know what they have!

Let’s break down the steps for supporting children as they learn how to prepare their food, pack their lunch, or even just be part of even putting items in their lunch bag or box. Keep in mind that this family “homework” challenge can even start with toddlers!  

Shop Together

A wonderful way to enlist children’s involvement is by including them in some part of the shopping experience. Young children can be part of selecting certain food options off the shelf and putting them in the cart. Older children can help make a grocery list, figure out the cost of different items, and keep track of what is needed while in the store. Even a little bit of involvement in picking out lunch food options helps children have a sense of ownership and control. 

Choice within Limits

In order to have a balance between wants and needs, it’s worth also weaving in some conversation about balancing different food groups and having plenty of healthy options. Some families have success with collaboratively creating a list of different choices within each food group. Decide as a family what you prioritize then list various options from food groups (e.g. grains, vegetables, fruit, dairy, and protein). It can help to create a visual guide so even young children can see what their choices are when thinking about what to plan for and purchase.

Accessibility

After coming home from the grocery store, children can be part of putting away the items they will be using to prepare and pack their lunches. Accessibility is key. Having a designated spot for lunch foods helps with the packing process. Low cabinet shelves or even low drawers work well. If possible, also find an easy-to-reach space in the refrigerator for perishable items. 

It can help to have clear containers so children can easily see their options. For example, after purchasing grapes, children can help wash them, remove the grapes from their stems, and then place the ready-to-eat grapes in a glass or plastic container to store in the refrigerator. Similarly, carrots can be washed, cut, and stored in water in a see-through container. If this system works for your family, even non-perishable items, like crackers, can be removed from their packaging and placed in a clear storage container with other accessible lunch foods. 

Easy to Make & Easy to Eat

Young children tend to love having small portions with lots of variety. So when preparing food, think about how children can help with this step. They might like to help cut a sandwich into mini-sandwiches, peel and section a clementine, or slice some cucumbers. With a variety of different choices, children can try combining foods in different ways. They might like to sample a piece of cheese with their apple slice or see how cream cheese tastes on a cracker. Older children can create their own wraps, roll-ups, or sandwiches or choose some dinner leftovers to put into containers for the next day’s lunch. 

When children are part of preparing food, there can be some mess involved. It’s good to allow a little time and space for spills to happen. We can show children how to clean up after themselves, while also remembering that the youngest children won’t necessarily be able to clean it all up themselves. When we collaborate in the process, we are helping our children learn how to do it themselves. Whatever path makes sense for your family, just remember that when children are part of the preparation process, they are more invested in trying and eating a variety of foods.

Plan Ahead

Because mornings can be rushed, it often helps to do a little planning ahead of time. Some families like to use the weekend to map out a lunch menu with their children. This can be posted in an easy-to-reference place in the kitchen. When it’s time to get the foods ready or put them in lunch containers, children can just look at the lunch plan for that day. Some families go as far as collaborating with their children to get as many lunch foods as possible ready over the weekend so that their kids can just put that day’s items into their lunch bag or box each morning. Other families might set up a routine so that children are part of emptying and washing their lunch containers when they get home from school and then can use that time to get their lunch set up for the following day. Children may even like to get their lunch packed the night before, store the whole lunch bag in the refrigerator, and then just grab the lunch and go in the morning. 

Your kids are more capable than it may seem! Although the process may feel overwhelming at first, remember that you are helping your child learn valuable life skills and reinforcing their Montessori education. If you’d like to come visit the school to see children’s food preparation in action, schedule a tour. We would love to support you with this Montessori challenge!

The Significance of Being on Time

As we start the school year, we want to connect about a really crucial part of Montessori learning environments and how it affects your child, as well as the community as a whole.

First, it helps to remember that we are constantly working to ensure the Montessori learning environment is supporting your child’s development. To do this most effectively, we observe. In our observations, we are looking at what is working for children (and what isn’t). 

These observations may lead to some changes. For example, we might adjust the arrangement of the furniture so that there is a better flow of activity in the room. Or we might recognize how an individual child needs a little extra time to watch friends before starting any activity. Sometimes we might realize that, as adults, we are walking around too much and distracting the children, so we slow down and take a few moments to sit calmly. 

While much of the Montessori learning environment depends upon observing so we can make modifications to what we do, there is one aspect that is really sacrosanct: the three-hour work cycle.

Three-Hour Work Cycles & the “Flow State”

Dr. Montessori was a scientist and the Montessori method of education was born from her observations of children and how to support their optimum development. She even graphed patterns of activity for individual children and classroom communities. In her scientific study, Dr. Montessori found that children need a block of uninterrupted time in order to go through a rhythm of focus and consolidation. Children two and a half and older need at least three hours to move through these cycles of concentration. Often children’s most growth and meaningful work happens toward the end of a three-hour block of time.

We can think about this in relation to our current-day understanding of what it means to get into a flow state. Sometimes people describe a flow state as “being in the zone.” It’s when we are so immersed in and focused on what we are doing that a sense of time and our surroundings disappear. This concept of flow has been most clearly articulated by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Csikszentmihalyi was a psychologist whose studies of happiness and creativity led to his articulation of flow – a highly focused mental state that is conducive to creativity and productivity. Interestingly enough, when Csikszentmihalyi’s grandchildren started going to a Montessori school, he saw how Montessori learning environments allowed young children to achieve this state of flow. 

Why is this significant?

In order to get into their own state of flow, children in our learning communities need a three-hour chunk of time. We have designed our morning arrivals and routines so that children can benefit from an interrupted morning work cycle. 

Part of the morning schedule involves children having enough time to greet their peers and go through their routines without being rushed before they enter the classroom environment. When children are ready and in the classroom, the guides can begin focusing on giving lesson presentations and generally supporting children as they start their day.

However, if children routinely arrive late at the beginning of the morning, the adults’ attention needs to be split between greeting those who arrive late and attending to the children who have started their important work of the day. 

This is also hard on the children who arrive after their peers have settled into their morning. When children enter a space where everyone is already connected and engaged in work, it is hard for them to connect with classmates and even know where to begin. This is especially challenging for those who really need to establish a social connection at the beginning of their day. It’s a little like awkwardly coming late to a party and finding everyone else in already established social circles!

In addition, late arrivals can be challenging for the community as a whole. The children who were on time and working often find it distracting when friends and classmates arrive. They might even lose focus on what they were leaning because they feel compelled to greet their friends. However, once everyone has arrived, the community is really able to settle. The adults aren’t trying to help children transition into the classroom and friends aren’t getting distracted by who is coming through the door. After arrivals are over, a gentle hum often comes over the room.

A World of Difference

Children need time to transition. Some children are relatively quick, while others take over 15 minutes to get their items put away, shoes changed, and so forth. 

It makes a world of difference when our community members arrive on the early side, so that transitions can happen when a guide is able to be present to greet children and so that we can have everyone in the classroom at the start of the day.

We know that mornings can be hard. Believe us, we know. If we were able to just extend the morning if people arrive late, we would! However, children get hungry for lunch, we want to have plenty of time outdoors, and we also need to leave time for children who need to rest. Thus, we rely upon on-time arrivals for the very important three-hour work cycle. Having that uninterrupted block of time is vital to a well-functioning classroom and to individual children’s development.

Thank You!

Thank you so much for being attentive to on-time arrivals, understanding why having the three-hour work cycle is so important, and considering how you can help. If you would like to meet and brainstorm about routines that can support on-time arrivals, we would be honored to get to strategize with you. When we can meet one-on-one with families to support morning routines, we often find some really creative, healthy, win-win options! It can take time to figure out what is most effective for each child and family. It’s a constantly evolving opportunity and we look forward to the collaboration. Please schedule a time to come in and connect.

Participation in Practical Matters

In our daily lives, we do so much to maintain our surroundings, as well as care for ourselves and others. As adults, we take these activities for granted. Young children, however, yearn to participate in practical matters.

Everything we do to care for the environment, ourselves, and others make up what can be called "practical life" activities. In a Montessori home or school environment, practical life activities help children learn about cultural norms, while also helping them develop internal motivation, intellect, and body coordination.

Purposes of Practical Life 

With this in mind, we can really think about how practical life activities have two purposes: one is external and one is internal. The first purpose is to help children engage in something meaningful and real. For example, washing a table leads to a clean table. The second aim is to help children develop their internal worth and sense of competency. 

Practical life activities help children become psychologically and physically independent. By the time 24-year-olds begin life on their own, they should be able to provide for themselves, be responsible for their actions, plan for their future, and perhaps even help support others. The little things we do early in children’s lives set them up for later success.  

As children engage in purposeful work, they develop a sense of being an important part of the family or community. By beginning to help take care of their personal needs, they also develop a sense of accomplishment. 

In a Montessori environment, children have a place where practical life activities are carefully prepared and presented to support emerging independence. The sink is at children’s height. The faucet is easy to turn on and off. The soap container holds just enough soap to wash hands. Children can perform activities that were perhaps previously done for them. 

Practicing Self-Care

The practice of self-care can begin early in children’s lives by approaching tasks with an attitude of collaboration. Even if a baby can’t do an action, they can have a sense of participating. We can invite this participation by saying things like, “I’m going to put on your shirt. Let’s put your arm through the sleeve.” As we allow for more and more collaboration, children’s active participation gradually increases. Opportunities for collaboration can be as simple as offering something in front of a child rather than actually putting it into their hands.

Caring for Surroundings

In addition to self-care, a Montessori environment provides numerous ways for children to care for their surroundings. In order for children to be successful in this process of caring for their surroundings, we thoughtfully prepare the environment. Child-sized materials give children an opportunity to participate successfully. Their work must be real work, rather than activities to just keep them busy. Plus, the impact on the environment needs to be clear. If the plants need water, then children can water the plants. If the floor is wet, children can mop the floor. If a table is dirty, children can wash the table. Through real and meaningful activities, children develop a strong sense of belonging within a community. 

Supporting Practical Life at Home

Parents often ask how to support their children’s practical life work at home. One easy and meaningful strategy is to create routines that help children care for their surroundings. They can clean up toys at the end of the day, set the table for dinner, or put dirty clothes in the laundry basket. The preparation for these kinds of activities isn’t elaborate and merely requires carefully selected items or furniture: a basket in the laundry room for dirty clothes, a special shelf for toys, or a low drawer in the kitchen prepared with items for setting the table. 

When thinking about how to create practical life activities, consider the following:

1.     Will the activity help develop independence and coordination of movement? 

2.     Can it be done independently?

3.     What skills are needed?

4.     Will this activity allow repetition?

5.     Is it culturally appropriate and necessary?

6.     Is it beautiful?

7.     Is the material child-sized?

8.     Is it logical? 

9.     Is it safe?

With these guiding questions in mind, we can create simple yet purposeful ways for our children to learn how to care for themselves, those around them, and their surroundings. In the process, children observe what is essential and then make the activities their own. Plus, as they internalize the procedure, children start to realize how capable they are! They put their whole focus into their work and experience great satisfaction in completing the activity. Meaningful engagement in practical life activities allows children to develop a strong sense of belonging and ultimately flourish into their fullest selves.

During these summer days, take a look at where your children might be able to contribute to the daily rhythms of the household, or even take more ownership of their own routines for self-care. Children will begin to imitate adult actions, which leads to them performing tasks in their own unique ways.

Keep in mind that this process is not completely linear, as some days children need more support than on other days. At this point, we can offer loving assistance while still upholding a sense of their involvement: “I see your clothes are still on the floor. Let’s pick them up together.” We all can use a little help sometimes!

From infants to adolescents, our young people are quite capable and benefit greatly from participating in practical life activities. If you would like some inspiration for how children are involved in caring for themselves, their surroundings, and others, please contact us!